Up and down, up and down

I think I have some kind of split personality disorder. Literally, one minute I'm happy, jumping around, excited about life and the next I feel like the worlds ending, sitting silently while everyone else chats away and focus on all the bad points of life right now.

Tuesday for example... I woke up in the worst mood. Grumpy and miserable. Then I went to town for a job interview (finally!) which went really well, got stopped by a man in the street who told me he thought I was beautiful and then made plans with my friend from up North to come down for the night and I got home and was super happy. By bedtime I was sad. I did a stupid thing and looked through old messages from the guy I mentioned before. (Seriously, how can someone go from being that nice, to not caring? What is wrong with men?) My mood plummeted and I was back in my bubble of sadness.

Yesterday was as bad, up and down, up and down. I had a nap in the afternoon and woke up feeling really panicky and sad. Rubbish. Sigh. Things will get better, right?

I went out last night to a one off night with a famous DJ. It was good, but I was too drunk. I spent my evening over compensating for my miserableness and updating my Facebook and Twitter about my amazing night with my best friends everrr. I am that loser who does that. I also left a comment for the guy which has now lost me my upper hand/I'm angry with you status. Perfect. My friend from up North was here, we had fun, normally our nights end in disaster, she ends up with some slimy guy and I'm left like the loner in the corner, silently fuming. She's got a not-quite-a-boyfriend-but-we're-exclusive situation at the moment so luckily she wasn't on a man hunt. The music was good and there were lots of people, but I was in that drunk state where you don't really take any notice of whats going on. As we were leaving, this guy held the taxi door open and literally wouldn't leave her alone. Piss off. I know she's pretty but please, us single, lonely cat ladies need attention sometimes too. He said I was pretty but that I had an attitude when I told him to go. GO AWAY I WANT TO GO HOME AND EAT TOMATO SOUP.

I've spent the day waiting to hear back about my interview. It's only for a bar job but still, I want money. Plus my mum said if I get the job I can go car shopping this weekend. Cannot wait to get back on the road. I haven't heard from them yet. It's 4.22pm. It's not looking good for today. The interview went so well though. I did lie a bit. Of course I see this as a long term job, I want to work my way up to managing a bar one day. I really don't.

I'm sitting in bed. Hungover, hungry and grumpy. When is life supposed to get better? My brother took me out again today. It's like little pity trips. Last week it was for a hot chocolate, today to the pub for coke to help my hangover. It really is sweet of him, but I feel a bit pathetic that my younger brother is having to do that for me.

One of the girls I met in Paris messaged me to tell me they'd met my replacement. Apparently the family have been really nice and hardly expect anything of the girl. I bet she's going to have an amazing time and love it. She's basically living the life I should have been. I keep thinking back to my excitement before I went and even the excitement when I decided to come home. Things seemed so promising. But life is never what you think it's going to be.

I bet people reading this are thinking sort yourself out, your life's not that bad. Which is true. And trust me, I'd rather not be so grumpy about things but what can I do? I try. I go out all smiles and happy but really I'm just thinking blahhhh.

The big 23 is edging closer. I did not think I'd be unemployed, single, grumpy, living at home and applying for jobs at Tesco at 23. My life plan is so off track at the moment. I want to be married by 27, 4 years to go. And judging by my track record it's not going to go smoothly.

Tall, dark, handsome husband, where are you?

Another day, another rejection

Another day, another rejection.

This time it was from Sainsburys. Seriously, what more do I need to do to get a job? I've worked pretty much since I was 16, bar work, shop work, waitressing... I have good GCSE's, A Levels and a degree, I'm relatively normal but still, nothing. The annoying thing is that the rejections come after those stupid personality tests they ask you to do. A load of rubbish.

I've spent a hungover Sunday afternoon applying for jobs. If I don't hear back from something soon I'm going to go crazy. Just give me a job!

I'm supposed to be in Paris right now, living it up, learning French, meeting new people and falling in love with Jean-Pierre. Not sitting in bed, applying for waitressing jobs and looking at pictures on Facebook of the people I met in Paris, doing all the things I should be doing. Sigh. Everything happens for a reason, right?

On a slightly brighter note, I actually went out and socialised yesterday. I managed to climb out of my little bubble of graduate sadness to go for lunch at a friends and then out for a night out with my fellow single friends. I stumbled in at 5am and sat in bed eating noodles thinking that life isn't always all bad. I just think it's about time a bit of good luck was sent my way. Good luck in the form of my dream job or an attractive, tall, dark haired man that wants to fall in love with me would be nice. But beggars can't be choosers so I'd settle for a bar job. Something to fill my time with would be so welcomed right now. I spend my days walking the dog, job hunting and napping with the cat. Hardly the fun filled rock and roll life I thought I'd be living at 22.

I'm 23 next month. When did I get so old? So soon I'll be 23, unemployed, single, miserable. Exactly what I hoped for. I was thinking about my "perfect" life, if things were how I want them to be I'd be working in a job that is actually what I want to do, have a good social life, a little car, be sharing a flat with a friend and have a boyfriend that isn't an absolute idiot, with things heading in the direction of something serious. Not too much to ask is it? It's not like I'm saying I want to be a millionaire living in America or something. They're all pretty achievable things, no? The sad thing is that I just don't see it happening any time soon. I think I'm destined to be living in my graduate sadness bubble for a while.

But you know what? Life could be so much worse. I know I'm being miserable and self pitying when in reality, things aren't that bad. I feel like I need this time though and hopefully I'll appreciate things so much more when (if...) things finally fall into place.